Crushed but I walk again

What happens when you watch your own built dream castle wash up in one go, one huge wave of water and everything washed up. Such is the case with my dream, or perhaps the one built out of my ego.
Whole of my 11th and 12th class I struggled to learn the periodic table , no maybe it was the physics formulae or maybe that complex working of our digestive system. I don’t even remember what it was in specifics… All I do remember is that I struggled , a ‘LOT.’
I struggled to keep up those promises I made to become a doctor. I told everyone it was my childhood dream, though it wasn’t. One fine day I decided I was to become a doctor, and merely claimed it to be my dream.
You see my struggles came from me creating my dream, my ego to make my  ‘fake’ dream come true.
Yes but why not- hadn’t I already told my parents, my friends and the whole of my family that I wanted to wear that white coat and treat patients ,save them from the horrible fate of cancer. How could I back off now?
I thought being oncologist was my only dream, I didn’t realise then that it wasn’t a dream but a figment of my imagination.
It was just a build up to my fake dream.
Yes, and then I struggled again. I struggled to meet my teachers expectations and I struggled to keep up with my own plotted web of lies.
Hard work is the key to success, remember? That’s what they taught you since you started recognising idioms. But what’s hard work when you lack aptitude?
I thought I had it in me, to crack those tough exams without giving my 100% . I neither worked hard nor had the aptitude…but I still wanted my dream to come true. Yes, but I prayed. I prayed for my dreams to come alive… To get into a medical college …to wear that white coat…and the list of my unreasonable dreams go on..
I never questioned myself, why? I merely continued following my fake dream blindly.
Such was the burden of building my fake dream, that my tears paid the price . Frustration joined me, and happiness left me forever.
Was this built up dream so important that I could let it  drench all happiness out of me?
No, I decided …maybe it was too late for the realisation to come but it did. I realised that to have a dream means to be content with it and have the courage to pursue it.
And hard work doesn’t pay off if you lack the interest, it’s like asking a cobbler to make a donut. Yes, I gave up….I gave up to save myself. For if I had continued pursuing that ‘fake dream’ it would eat me up… My ego would never let me get out of that black hole.
Today as I let go of that  fake dream, that ego and those struggles… I live free. No, I didn’t stop dreaming and didn’t stop struggling, I still struggle but the difference now is that those struggles make me happy and I don’t feel burdened.
As I let go of science, that dream of becoming a doctor, those false struggles and disappointments something in me is ignited now, that passion to do something worthwhile in life.
I took up humanities in my college, to study English+Journalism+ Psychology , no I m not weak and no I am not a loser.
I had the courage to let go of those fake struggles and move on to pursue my ‘real dreams.’ I am contended with what I am doing and I am happy. After all, at the end of the day that’s what matters right! To work towards something with a big smile.
So now even if I am given detentions and told to do extra work or submit 2000 words essay by midnight… I do so with a simple smile , a smile that’s makes me happy and glowing. So yes I was crushed once, but I walk again.

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15 thoughts on “Crushed but I walk again

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  1. Too gud Nikita no words to express….it’s difficult but if one understands and accepts this truth….life becomes beautiful….god bless u dear….best of luck n may u get the bestest things….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nikita, this last piece is an honest confession of an honest soul…..I wish many other young men & women learn to discover their true goals in life as you did. The simplicity & honesty of your expression has lent a unique gravity to the article. God bless you child….!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rightly said Nikita. 🙂
    Dreams seem very alluring. You start believing that you are made to pursue that dream of yours. But if you lack aptitude and interest in that particular field, no matter how much effort you put into it, all will go in drain.
    So, yes the very least one can do for oneself is to take time and realize one’s interest.
    in fact, you didn’t realize late. There are some people who realized their interest when they got done with their graduation. :p 😀
    All the best! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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